I was so amped up today because of all the free slurpees. I haven’t been amped up like this since I got retweeted by Montell Jordan. Note: the budget, sound quality, and production for this video were all very, very low. Sorry?
I think I speak for all of us when I say “What are we supposed to do now?” Seriously though, since the ‘Thrones finale, I’ve been at a loss for ideas. I could go outside, but then I’d risk getting stung by some sort of winged insect. I’d read but when I think too hard my brain doesn’t like it and I have to lay down for at least 15 minutes. All I can really hope for is to be put in some sort of hypnotic state until next March. Luckily for you though, I’ve compiled my top 15 greatest GOT quotes from the history of the show, and hopefully you’ll be able to relive a good portion of the adventure. Even Ned Stark would say “these quotes are a great way to get aHEAD of other ‘thrones fans.”
You’re welcome ‘Thrones fans. See you next year!
The Sad Beginning
For weeks the mail carrier delivered nothing. I’d been expecting a package from Mountain View and the daily letdowns were beginning to take their toll. I lost track of all the nights I cried myself to sleep. Even a Brita filter couldn’t get rid of all the shame in my tears. It was a chore to face each new day with a smile. What had I done wrong? Had I overlooked some mundane detail about the contest? Personally, I thought I fucking nailed the hashtag part of it.
But still nothing. No boxes marked Google, no letters of congratulations, and no way of knowing if I’d won or lost. It wasn’t until I finally mustered up enough courage to check the Google Glass website, that my worst fears were confirmed. I was in fact, a big-time loser.
I had long suspected this, but seeing it up close like that really hit me like a ton of bricks. I would never know the joy that comes with being featured in the Glass promo video or how much of a douche I could have been in public. That kind of happiness is reserved for politicians and tech bloggers I thought. Not for a guy with 200 followers and a mild case of social anxiety. Just as I was about to slip further down into the farthest recesses of the dumps, Lady Fate intervened.
I Can See Clearly Now the Pain is Gone
There it sat like an artifact in a temple waiting to be plucked. The first thing that struck me was the sturdiness of the packaging and the fact that it managed to arrive despite not having any street information on it. The misspelling of my surname was overlooked because I was so jacked up. The last time I was that jacked up, I had taken a 5-Hour energy and had to leave the theater because the fight scenes in “The Bourne Ultimatum” were just too much.
After some struggling I managed to remove the outer layer of plastic. It reminded me of the frustration I used to feel when opening those old fashioned compact discs! Inside the box were the Bing Glasses and what appeared to be a marijuana cigarette. Mine eyes had never seen such beautiful spectacles. The middle child of search engines, Bing, had found a way to connect with me.
The joint-looking object was actually a scroll that contained a mysterious riddle with the following stanzas:
- With these spectacles you shall find, A world beyond your simple mind
- The clearest visions you’ll see on high, Atop the white dragon in the sky
- The time is near so make amends, Drink your fill and look through the lens
At the time I sort of wished that it had been a Devil’s Lettuce cigarette so it could have helped me decipher what that fucking shit was supposed to mean. Side Note: I’ve read that inspiration is one of the side effects of drugs. In any case, it was clear to me that these Bing Glasses were special. They had some kind of mysterious power over me. Similar to butter and oil’s influence over Paula Deen. The “drink your fill” bit had me intrigued. It clearly meant that alcoholic consumption was the key to unlocking the true power of the Bing Glasses. I was ready to test that theory.
Before embarking on any epic journey, it’s important to stretch out. So, I tried my hand at yoga.
and then a more difficult pose…
The glasses gave me a new found sense of overconfidence. Before they arrived by mail, I had never even thought about trying something as dangerous as yoga. It’s truly amazing to see how far I’ve come. Back to the theory.
It was strange. With each additional sip I felt the Bing Glasses’s true power awakening inside of me. As I “drank my fill and looked through the lens” the message of the riddle became clearer. All that remained to vex me was the line about the white dragon. So I continued to test my theory.
And then I tested it some more…
And there it was. The last piece of the riddle. I could see everything. I was so elated that my speech was even affected. I was mispronouncing words and having trouble with my “r’s.” An overwhelming urge to dance came over me. Lights were swirling, music began to play, and I felt alive for the first time in weeks. The Bing Glasses had made it all possible. It’s proof that if you just stay positive, good things will happen to you. It made me feel like everything is gonna work out!
Then this happened…
When I came to I had a black eye and I felt like I had been kicked in my “Webmaster’s Jewels.” I’m never drinking again.